Not sure how long this has been going for, but I'll try to make sense...
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm nobody's favorite, or that I'm not the best in anything, and it's been driving me... not nuts, but to the point of depression I guess. I feel like my friends play favorites between me and their other friends, I'm never good enough to make honour role, I've never earned a gold in any karate competition (or any sports event, not counting my grade 3 soccer team, but that doesn't count).
Like today during chapel, Jewel and Jen were sitting next to me, and Jewel had Skittle's that she was sharing with Jen, but when I aksed for some, she was just like, "Well, I promised Jen she could have some", and wouldn't share with me, which got me fairly moody and somewhat antisocial that afternoon.
Then at youth group tonight, I kept feeling like I didn't fit in with any of the kids, seeing as the Lindenites all hang out together and I can't seem to get attention from the PCA/Townie/homeschoolers from 3 Hills. I mean, Heidi and Josiah did some shoulder tag and free spar with me, and Gynelle and Devon and I were giving each other tattoos (with Sharpies), but I feel like I don't have any really close friends anywhere in that group. I wonder if I should quit going...
And at school, Bethany, in Grade 11, kind of understands, and is sympathetic, but when I sit with her and Saralyn at lunch in the hallways, all the popular people come up and hang out with Bethany, and for the most part ignore me. James and Stephen sometimes talk to me, sometimes John, but that's about it. Days like this make me wish I didn't have to go to school... Jared and Josiah are probably my two best Grade 10 friends, and the only thing that we really have in common is guitar and an expressed intrest in the same band that we all want to play in. (actually, they started it...)
At church, the Bridge's and Warkentin's hang out with me, and I have some adult friends, but it's not the same, esp. seeing as my best friends are all Acme/Didsbury homeschoolers. Tom and Dave, they pay some attention to me, but I can tell I'm not a favorite of anybody at school, or church, and seeing as I don't think my brother's like me... I feel like I'm alone, without a real friend anywhere. I'm nobody's favorite, and I'm always second best or worse, never the best in anything. Why can't someone pick me to be their favorite, for just once? I know God loves me, but he can't choose favorites between his children, so that doesn't help me any.
As I type this, I can barely see the keyboard, this is the first real crying I've done, since I don't dare show weakness in public. I don't know why, I just feel like I need to be tough to fit in. It obviously ain't working.
Pray for me, please.
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3 comments:
I WILL pray for you AJ. All I know, is that you can't MAKE people like you...I'm happy to read that you know Jesus loves you! Believe it or not, you don't need several "friends". 1 or 2 deep relationships in my opinion are best.I went through life on the fringes of popularity too. Especially in school. I was having sex, going to parties and selling dope. I had people who knew who I was, but it was all surperficial, plastic relationships. I'd trade them all for a quiet moment up at Cleavand Dam watching the water tumble down the spillway...(my quiet place)
Don't try to "win" friends by dominating situations or continually talking about what you do or how great something is that you're doing. No one wants to hear about stuff like that. Superficial, self-focused, standing in the spotlight attitudes are borish and immature. I'm not saying you do that, I'm just trying to point out a "method" to avoid. Instead, be yourself! Hold your head up high and enjoy your youth. Bathe yourself in Christ-given confidence, people love that! It's very attractive.
Most importantly, don't try to win friends with gifts, starting to drink or doing dope...that type of crowd isn't really worth investing time into or showing you a good path to walk along.
And please...don't for a second think having sex with guys will get you accepted. It may make you popular,at least with the low-moral crowd, but believe me, sex is best when you are in a committed, monogamous relationship...preferably married!
Oh, and if you think the people you've named have wronged you somehow...forgive them. Holding grudges is one of Satan's tactics! Anyone who holds onto hate or recentment towards other people, no matter the offence, need to get over themselves.
Your name is on my hand...I'm praying!
Thnax tonz, Spoke! I'm already trying to avoid the dope/etc. crowds at school, and already made the commitments not to try any of that stuff while in high school. However, it bites like heck when the 'cool' kids hang out with your friends but completly ignore you... hopefully next week turns out better then this one has so far! Hopefully the Christ-like additude that I'm trying to have will keep me from being excluded so much... wish I could let go of the anger though.
Me being miserable... At least my creative side is starting to show, I've written two songs this week! Including chords!
Hey, AJ!
The way you describe that you are feeling is how I spent years of my teenage life. Believe it or not, many of the teens that you think are so popular are feeling the exact same way.
As far as "trying" to have a Christ-like attitude...give it up. You (none of us) are able to do it. Just give up! Just love Jesus, spend time talking to Him, asking Him to take over (keep asking Him, I ask Him every day...).
Oh, and truly having a Christ-like attitude won't keep you from being excluded. Jesus went to his home town and they all laughed at him. He laid down his life for His people, and they mocked him, spat on him, and killed him. Having a Christ-like attitude will enable you to be humble and loving EVEN WHEN you are excluded. Save your anger for things like mistreatment of the poor.
You want to be somebody's favorite? You are Jesus' fave. He DOES pick favorites, and you are it. (And me, and your enemy...His love is big enough).
I have a few things I'd love to tell you face to face. I'll try and find you in church tomorrow!
(((((((AJ))))))) <-hugs to you.
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